The Wacky Adventures of Ratchet and Megatron!
by Metal Gear Prime
Summary: Sweet Primus, I've updated! In this chapter, the Transformers face a crossover the likes of which no sane individual could ever have envisoned...
1. Mismatch of the century Issue 4, Part 1

The Wacky Adventures of Ratchet and Megatron!

By Kingdom of Deke

Summary: Here it is, ladies and gentlemen! Possibly the ONLY documentation of the bizarre Ratchet/Megatron saga, as depicted in the U.S. comic series, in particular Issues #4, #56, #57, #58, #59, #70 and #78. Yes that's right, everything from the Budiansky travesties to the Furman masterpieces. It should be advised that any humor you may glean from this story will be purely coincidental.

Disclaimer: As Jud Crandall once said in Stephen King's 'Per Semetary': "What you own will come back to you." Seeing as how no Transformers have turned up on my doorstep in recent times I think I can safely assume that I don't own them.

Before we begin, let's have a few words with our main protagonists:

**Megatron: **Peace through tyranny. After all, look what it did for Aaron Spelling.

**Ratchet: **You break it, you pay for it guv.

Ready? Then let's begin!

Chapter 1: Mismatch of the century (Issue #4, Part 1)

Decepticon HQ…

**Shockwave: **Well, I'm back from completely demolishing the entire Autobot army. Megatron, I want you to go back and bring me Prime's head.

**Megatron: **What? You were just there! Why didn't you bring it back yourself?

**Shockwave **(shrugging)**: **Because.

**Megatron: **Grrr…curse you and your infallible logic!

Megatron flies off towards the Ark.

*****

Meanwhile, outside the Ark…

**Ratchet: **Well, I'm back from my not-at-all pointless fishing trip. Can't help feeling I've forgotten something though…

Cut to the forest to show Spike Witwicky half buried under some rocks.

**Spike: **HELP!

Cut back to Ratchet.

**Ratchet: **Meh. I'm sure it's nothing.

Ratchet enters the Ark.

**Ratchet: **Quieter than usual…

He enters the control room and is surprised to see it deserted. As he looks around a drop of energon falls from the ceiling and splashes next to his left foot. He looks at the puddle for a moment before slowly looking up at the ceiling to find…

**Ratchet: **HOLY FLURKING SHNIT!

…his Autobot comrades slung upside down by their feet.

**Ratchet: **BY PRIMUS! WHO COULD HAVE DONE THIS?! (in a much quieter tone) As if I didn't know…

Ratchet goes through the bodies and finds that Optimus Prime is not amongst them. He sets out to look for him. By a startiling coincidence the first door he opens leads him to Prime's head attached to numerous wires.

**Ratchet:** …Alright, NOW it's getting creepy…

**Prime: **…Ratchet.

Ratchet leaps so high into the air that he bangs his head on the ceiling.

**Ratchet: **GAH! Prime! You're still alive?!

**Prime: **Yep. I'm a survivor, doncha know.

**Ratchet: **…Right. What happened here?

**Prime: **Shockwave happened.

**Ratchet **(exaggerated tones)**: **Shockwave?! The one whose power rivals Megatron's?!

**Prime: **That's the one. Anyway, he took us by surprise, deactivated everyone and removed my head from my body.

**Ratchet: **Let me get this straight. Shockwave came in here, totaled you all, decapitated you but decided to leave you on life support?

**Prime: **Yes.

**Ratchet: **What a great military mind. Where's your body?

**Prime: **Shockwave took it with him. He wanted the Matrix so he could start creating new Decepticons.

**Ratchet: **Wouldn't it have been easier to just take the Matrix and string you up like the rest?

**Prime:** You'd think that wouldn't ya? Look, we're running out of time. Megatron's on his way here and…

**Ratchet: **Megatron's on his way? How the hell do you know?

**Prime: **Never you mind. At any rate, you're the only one who can stop him.

**Ratchet: **WHAT?! Damn it Prime, I'm a doctor, not a warrior!

**Prime: **Then consider today to be your lesson in the art of war and your very survival the test you must pass.

**Ratchet: **…You know, as far as motivational speeches go, that both sucked and blew.

Ratchet goes to the room's exit.

**Prime: **Worry not faithful Ratchet, for no matter the outcome your name will live on forever in Autobot lore.

**Ratchet: **Oh yay. That'll be a great comfort when Megatron's feeding me my legs.

Ratchet makes his way to the Autobot armory. Entering he finds it to be stark empty.

**Ratchet: **Of course there are no weapons. It'd be too easy otherwise…

**Automated Voice: **WARNING! WARNING! DECEPTICON IN THE VICINITY!

Ratchet runs back into the control room and activates the external cameras. Megatron can be seen at the Ark's closed doors.

**Megatron: **Open up Autobots! Let me in!

**Ratchet **(through a microphone)**: **Not by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin!

**Megatron: **Oh yeah?!

Megatron points his fusion cannon at the doors and vaporizes them with one blast. He stomps his way through the Ark until he reaches the control room. It seems to be deserted, until we pan up to see Ratchet hanging form Ironhide's body.

**Megatron: **Now, where did he leave Pri-

**Ratchet **(dropping from the ceiling)**: **KAMAKAZI!!!!!

Megatron grabs the flying doc in mid-air and flings him into the far bulkhead.

**Ratchet: **Ow…well, that worked well…

**Megatron: **So, Shockwave left a survivor eh? And a weak one at that.

**Ratchet: **Don't underestimate me Megatron! Have a taste of ultra cold heat and super hot cold!…Wait a second, that doesn't sound right…

Two sad little guns pop out of Ratchet's wrists and fire their contents at Megatron. The former 'Con overlord looks on with a bored expression.

**Megatron: **Ooh, it tingles!

Megatron strides forward and punches Ratchet, thereby stopping the 'barrage'.  

**Megatron: **Now I'm gonna lay the smackdown on your lily-white ass!

**Ratchet: **Actually it's more of a porcelain.

**Megatron: **Shut yo' mouth!

*RING! RING!*

With an annoyed sigh Megatron takes his mobile out of subspace.

**Megatron: **Always when I'm striking down my foes or doing my hair…

Ratchet watches as Megatron takes the call.

**Megatron: **Uh-huh…yes Shockwave, I'm at the Ark…yes, there's a survivor, but it's only Ratchet…what?…oh geez…just a sec…(to Ratchet) You wouldn't happen to have a pen and paper on you would you?

Ratchet gets up and goes into the next room, emerging with a pen and a scrap of paper a few seconds later.

**Megatron **(taking the paper and pen)**: **Thanks. (to Shockwave) Okay, what was it again?…A quart of milk…six value sized Twinkies…three gallons of Pepsi…and the latest edition of 'Baked Bean Bombshells'. All that along with Prime's head right?…OK, I'll see you later Shockwave…(sigh) I mean LORD Shockwave.

Megatron flicks the phone off while Ratchet gazes at him in surprise.

**Ratchet: **Hang on a sec…did Shockwave overthrow you or something?

**Megatron: **Yes and what of it?! It is only a temporary situation! After all, I am the Galaxy's Most Powerful Decepticon Leader!

**Ratchet: **Isn't that like being the World's Least Popular Nazi?

**Megatron: **Why you little…!

Megatron starts choking Ratchet.

**Ratchet: **ACK! Wait! Cease! Hold your horses! I can help you regain control!

**Megatron **(letting go of Ratchet)**: **Oh? And how do you plan on doing that?

**Ratchet: **I've got a sure-fire, not-a-chance-in-hell-this-will-fail plan that will get Shockwave out of your metaphorical hair for good. In return, you leave the Ark.

**Megatron: **Hmm…agreed. Just so I know, your plan doesn't consist of merely poking Shockwave in the eye and kicking him repeatedly in the crotch does it?

**Ratchet: **Not anymore!

To be continued…


	2. Double crosses are cool Issue 4, Part 2

Chapter 2: Double crosses are cool (Issue #4, Part 2)

We are first faced with nothing but a blank screen. After a second or two this is replaced with a close up of Ratchet's ugly mug. He is speaking into a log terminal.

**Ratchet **(really deep voice)**: **Hunnnnnnhhh…in the great big boom voice world of my life, it doesn't get more boomsome than this…

**Voice: **Uh…sir? The camera's on…

**Ratchet: **WHAT?! Can you erase what I just said?

**Voice: **I'm afraid not.****

**Ratchet: **DAMMIT!

Pan out to reveal Ratchet in a random swamp and piloting some weird transport thing-a-ma-jig, which by a startling coincidence, happens to be named Thing-A-Ma-Jig.

**Thing-A-Ma-Jig: **SIR! I'm detecting five large shapes in that conveniently nearby tar pit!

**Ratchet: **Is it them?

**Thing-A-Ma-Jig: **It might be, or it might be those five Weight Watchers who went missing three weeks ago. There's no way to know until the bodies are dug up.

**Ratchet **(disembarking)**: **Ok then, get to it.

**Thing-A-Ma-Jig: **Me, sir?

**Ratchet **(sitting down in an easy chair)**: **Yes you. You dig them up and I'll encouragingly shout at you to hurry up.

**Thing-A-Ma-Jig: **…That's not much of plan sir.

**Ratchet: **I never said it was. Now get cracking!

**Thing-A-Ma-Jig: **Yes sir.

*****

Back at the Ark…

We can see that Megatron has set up a slide projector in the room where Prime's head resides. He is subjecting the Autobot leader to the cruelest of tortures; showing him his vacation slides.

**Megatron: **And here's when we visited the bottomless pits of Daigo IV.

Cut to the screen, which shows Megatron smiling and waving at the camera. He is standing at the edge of a bottomless pit and is holding Starscream over the pit by his leg. You can guess Starscream's expression.

**Prime: ***sob* No more…please…no more…

**Megatron: **Oh but we have plenty more slides to go through. (flicks to the next slide) Ooh! Here's where I bought an interesting ball of yarn from the Daigo Gift Shop!

**Prime: ***sob*

*****

A few hours later, back at the tar pits…

**Thing-A-Ma-Jig: **Ok, I've managed to dig them all up.

Ratchet gets up from his easy chair to see that Thing-A-Ma-Jig had dug up…the Dinobots!

**Ratchet: **Excellent. (walks over to Slag, who like the others is in his dinosaur mode, and opens up a flap on his head)

**Thing-A-Ma-Jig: **What are you doing?

**Ratchet: **I'm going to access Slag's memories to see how he and his buddies defeated Shockwave all those years ago.

**Thing-A-Ma-Jig: **Brilliant plan sir! Would you mind standing clear before staring though?

**Ratchet: **Why?

**Thing-A-Ma-Jig: **Because I've gotten tar in my relays and I fear I'm about to ex-

**BOOOOOOOOM!**

Ratchet stares at the wreckage of Thing-A-Ma-Jig.

**Ratchet: **…Whoops.

He walks over to Slag and prods a memory node with his surgical probe. A screen suddenly pops out and activates, showing Slag.

**Slag: **Welcome friend to the memories of Slag, or as he is known buy his true name, Slaggy McSlagSlag.

**Ratchet: **Slaggy McSlagSlag…?

**Slag: **What you are about to see are events you may find impossible to attribute to any one Transformer, but then, Slag was a deeply remarkable bot.

**Ratchet: **Oh lord…there must be a fast forward switch around here somewhere…(smiles in relief) ah there it is…

Ratchet flicks the switch and speeds through the warped rambling of the mega ego of Slag and finally comes to the time when the Dinobots ran into Shockwave on Earth four million years ago.

**Shockwave: **When I find that Ark I swear I-

**Slag: **NOT SO FAST SHOCKWAVE!

**Shockwave: **Wha- who the hell are you?

**Slag: **SLAG!

**Grimlock: **GRIMLOCK!

**Swoop: **SWOOP!

**Snarl: **SNARL!

**Sludge: **SLUDGE!

**Dinobots: **And together we are…WILD STAL- UM, THE DINOBOTS!

**Shockwave: **…uh-huh.

**Slag **(voice over)**: **Despite our superior numbers we couldn't beat Shockwave no matter what we tried.

A montage of scenes flick past, showing Shockwave besting the Dinobots in a straight out brawl, a game of Go Fish and finally in an extended face off on a Dance Dance Revolution machine.

**Slag **(VO)**: **Just when it seemed we were done for…

**Shockwave **(charging up his ion cannon)**: **And now Dinobots, I shall…

A loud rumbling can be heard behind Shockwave. Turning around he saw a large boulder heading straight towards them.

**Shockwave/Dinobots: **…OH SHI-

**BAM!**

The impact hurtles all six Transformers into a tar pit, where they immediately sink below the surface. On a high ledge a caveman can be seen looking down.

**Caveman: **…Ug made another boo-boo…

**Ratchet: **What th…THAT'S IT?! That's how they beat Shockwave?!

**Grimlock: **I'd like to see you do better.

Ratchet once more sets a new record in standing high jumps before turning around to find Grimlock, Sludge, Swoop and Snarl staring down at him. They are in their robot modes.

**Ratchet: **ARGH! When did you lot wake up?!?

**Sludge: **Just a few minutes ago.

**Slag: **Not me. I've been awake since you activated my memory banks. And speaking of which do you mind…?

Catching on quickly, Ratchet deactivates the view screen and closes the flap, after which Slag transforms.

**Ratchet: **Look, there's no time to waste! Megatron's at the Ark and is holding the other Autobots to ransom! We must make haste and rescue them! 

**Snarl: **Do we have to?

**Ratchet: **Well, let me think about that one…YES! Now come on!

**Dinobots: ***GRUMBLE*

*****

Back at the Ark…

**Prime **(in Megatron's hands)**: **You DO realize that this breaks every single rule about the treatment of POWs don't you?

Cut to the far side of the room where Bumblebee, Jazz, Prowl, Ironhide, Wheeljack, Windcharger, Skids, Bluestreak, Hound, Trailbreaker, Mirage and Gears have been put standing in a bowling pins formation. Megatron angles them up.

**Megatron: **Of course I do. That's what makes this so much fun.

Megatron tosses Prime's head at the deactivated Autobots. He rolls at an immense speed before hitting his comrades and sending them flying all over the place.

**Megatron **(punches the air in triumph)**: **Strike!

At this point Teletran 1 starts to beep. Megatron strides over and presses a button. The main viewer flares into life, showing Ratchet in a snowy area.

**Ratchet: **Megatron! The Dinobots have destroyed Shockwave. Hand over the Ark!

**Megatron: **Do you have proof that they performed such a deed?

**Ratchet: **O-of course I have proof! I'm transmitting it to you now.

The screen blanks out for a moment, then is replaced by an embarrassingly crude cartoon of Shockwave's battle with the Dinobots. What's worse is the fact that Ratchet is supplying the voice of Shockwave and doing a horrific job with it.

**'Shockwave': **GASP! Please - Dinobots! Have - mercy!

**Swoop: **No – we – will – not – have – mercy! Die – Shockwave!  

The Dinobots transform (poorly) and apparently eat Shockwave. The screen goes blank again before Ratchet appears.

**Megatron: **…WOW! That was cool!

**Ratchet: **(too stunned to speak)

**Megatron: **Where are you now?

**Ratchet: **…um, I'm atop the Random Ice Peak of Doom just fifteen miles from the Ark.

**Megatron: **All right, I'll be there in five minutes.

Megatron shuts down communications and makes his way to the Ark's exit before flying off laughing like a loon.

*****

The Random Ice Peak of Doom…

Ratchet watches as Megatron lands in front of him.

**Ratchet: **Ok, I've kept my end of the bargain, now keep yours and leave the Ark.

**Megatron: **Oh all right then, I will…NOT! Many thanks for getting rid of Shockwave for me, but I'm afraid it's dying time for you my gullible friend!

**Ratchet: **YOU'RE the gullible one Megatron! We haven't gone anywhere near Shockwave! That was just a ruse to get you here.

**Megatron: **WHAT?!

**Ratchet: **And now, without further ado…DINOBOTS, ATTACK!

Nothing happens. 

**Ratchet: **…I say again…DINOBOTS, ATTACK!

Still nothing. Ratchet worriedly notes the homicidal glint in Megatron's eyes.

**Ratchet: **When I say attack, I mean RIGHT NOW!

When nothing continues to happen Ratchet dashes over to where he last saw the Dinobots. They're still there cloud watching.

**Snarl: **Is there anything fluffier than a cloud?

**Grimlock: **If there is I don't want to know about it.

**Ratchet: **What the…GET UP HERE! NOW! 

**Swoop: **Screw you doc! You should've picked a better time to summon Megatron than our cloud-watching hour.

**Ratchet: **If you don't get up here right now I'll…I'll…tell you all about the rectal surgery I performed on Cliffjumper three days ago!

**Dinobots: **NO!

Ratchet leaps in fright as he realized that cry came from behind him. Turning around he found the Dinobots transformed into their dino forms.

**Sludge: **We'll fight, we'll fight! Just please don't go on!

**Ratchet: **Thank you. And now…

**Megatron: **Enough of this! 

Megatron attacks the Autobots. He knocks Ratchet aside and proceeds to wipe the floor with the Dinobots. Ratchet notes that Megatron has been forced onto a ledge which has conveniently been weakened by the force of the massacre. He suddenly felt an irresistible urge to fling himself at Megatron and try to knock him over the edge even if it would mean his own death.

**Ratchet: **KAMAKAZIIIIIII!

Ratchet launches himself at Megatron. The impact sends him flying back around forty feet but does nothing to Megatron, who sneers at him.

**Megatron: **A brave attempt Autobot. Insane, but brave. You shall die a nob-

The ledge chooses this moment to snap off.

**Megatron: **Ohhhhhh crud.

The ledge and Megatron hurtle downwards followed by mass amounts of snow. As he falls Megatron transforms into his handgun mode and lands with a soft plop in a large pile of snow.

**Megatron: **That wasn't so bad.

A second later Megatron is buried by about six hundred tons of snow.

*****

**Grimlock: **YES! Once again the mighty Dinobots have triumphed!

**Ratchet: **No you didn't. In fact you've done bugger all besides getting your ass kicked repeatedly.

Silence.

**Slag **(tearfully)**: **Must you point out bitter reality?

The Dinobots run away crying. Ratchet shakes his head and looks down at the avalanche that buried Megatron. An odd feeling comes over him.

**Ratchet: **Why do I get the feeling this isn't the end?

**Kingdom of Deke: **Because it isn't.

**Ratchet: **…Oh.

To be continued…


	3. Night of the living dummies Issue 56

Author's Note: Alrighty then, before I begin the next chapter let's have a quick recap, hmmm? After disposing of Megatron Ratchet toddled back to the ark and repaired everyone except Prime who was repaired later. Megatron spent a little while locked in handgun mode and was found by some guy calling himself the Robot Master (or something). After a bit Megatron returned to the Decepticons, was then sent on another infiltration mission into the Ark and was promptly smashed by Omega Supreme. Oddly Shockwave handed leadership back to Megatron after this debacle. A little while later Megs and Prime took part in a video game for reasons I can't be arsed to remember with the end result being Prime blowing himself up because he killed some virtual people. Around this time the Ark became space borne again and Grimlock became the new Autobot leader as well as losing the ability to speak with good grammar. Anyways, Megatron becomes increasingly insane over the fact that he didn't kill Prime himself. Seeing this, Shockwave gets the Predacons to attack Megatron in an effort to snap him out of it. Touching, no? After a brutal battle which sees the Predacons merge to form Predaking Megatron stands triumphant. After threatening Shockwave for a bit, Megatron suddenly believes that Prime is still alive and goes berserk. Leaping onto the Space Bridge Megs proceeds to blow it up, apparently killing himself. Shockwave takes over again, only to relinquish his position after apparently burning up in Earth's atmosphere. Two new leaders spring up; the Headmaster Scorponok and the cassette Ratbat. Yes, one of Soundwave's CASSETTES takes over a faction of the Decepticons. Meanwhile, Prime returns in a new Powermaster form and becomes Autobot leader once more. The two Decepticon factions fight over a cosmic source of power called the Underbase which Starscream ends up absorbing. Now gifted with incredible powers as well as an unfortunate set of buck teeth, the Air Commander goes on a rampage, killing loads of Autobots and Decepticons, including Ratbat. Starscream himself is destroyed when he ingests too much of the Underbase. The net result of this massacre is that Scorponok is now the sole leader of the Earth bound Decepticons and Ratchet now has a whole lot of work ahead of him.         

AND NOW, THE SAGA CONTINUES… 

Chapter 3: Night of the living dummies (Issue #56)

The repair bay of the Ark…

Ratchet sits at a table and looks around terrified as Blaster, Goldbug, Jazz, the Arialbots, the Dinobots, the Technobots and assorted others approach him. Scary enough under normal circumstances but made even worse by the fact that they're all dead.

**Goldbug: **Get him! Rraaaaaggghhh…

**Blaster: **Wait a minute will ya?

We see Blaster's head attached to a crane thingy, after which we pan over to see his body walking continuously into a wall. 

**Blaster: **Stupid remote control…

After much grunting and cursing, Blaster finally manages to maneuver his body around the corner.

**Blaster: **Ah there we go…(to Ratchet) BWAAAAAA!

**Ratchet: **No please!

**Jazz: **Raaaaattttcchheetttt…yooouuuuu kiiiiilllllleeeeddd ussssssss…

**Ratchet: **No please I- wait a second, I didn't kill you Starscream did!

The dead bots pause for a moment.

**Silverbolt: **Erm…he's right.

More silence, this time broken by Grimlock picking up an oversized laser scalpel.

**Grimlock: **Me no care! Me now do to Ratchet what me see done to bad motel owner in 'Tales from the Crypt' comic book!

**Ratchet: **What are yo- (eyes widen as he realizes the issue Grimlock referring to) NO! I won't let you do it! 

**Lightspeed: **Then we'll just get some help.

Lightspeed puts two fingers in his mouth and whistles. Prowl, Wheeljack, Sunstreaker, Ironhide, Warpath, Seaspray and other Autobots smash their way out of the stasis pods and quickly hold Ratchet down. Powerglide can be seen approaching him with a ball of titanium twine and a sewing needle. 

**Ratchet: **Oh now that's just unfair.

Ratchet watches as Grimlock brings the laser scalpel closer, closer, closer…

Cut to a close up of Ratchet's face as he wakes up.

**Ratchet **(relieved)**: **Oh thank Primus! It was just a dream…

**Goldbug: **Wanna bet?

Pan out to reveal that the dead bots are crowded around the surgical table. Lightspeed and Slingshot hold a mirror in front of Ratchet, showing him that his legs are now where his arms should be, his left arm is coming out of his neck, his right arm is attached to his left leg socket while his head is attached to his right leg socket.

**Swoop **(girly voice)**: **It's so YOU!

**Ratchet: **AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

Cut now to the real repair bay, Optimus Prime (in his Powermaster form) is shaking a sleeping Ratchet by the shoulder.

**Prime: **Ratchet? Wake up!

**Ratchet **(eyes still closed)**: **I swear, if I wake up and it's still a dream someone'll be for the high jump…

Ratchet opens his eyes and is relieved to find that he's finally awake.

**Ratchet: **Thank Primus…(sees Prime) Oh hello Prime. What brings you down here?

**Prime: **I heard you screaming. Seeing as how this is your nineteenth nightmare today, my keen leader senses have been tingling. It's time you took a break.

**Ratchet: **About bloody time. I only requested time off about, ooh, FIVE MONTHS AGO!

**Prime **(oblivious)**: **Yep, you take the next hour off and that's an order.

Ratchet's left eye starts to twitch.

**Ratchet: **An hour you say? How…generous.

**Prime: **I know. I'm such a generous guy!

Prime prances out of the room, singing about how generous he is. Ratchet stares after him for a moment before pulling a book out of a drawer. The book is "How to Control your Murderous Rage" by Thunderwing. Flicking through the pages Ratchet comes across the following:

**Book: **When you feel the rage building to a point where anything living is in serious danger around you, let it out by flipping over a few tables! Swiping things off shelves! Let it all out!

Ratchet put the book down and stood up. Putting his hands on the table, he flipped it over roaring a mighty roar as he did it.

**Ratchet: **SQUEAK!

Ok, what HE thought was a mighty roar.

Anyway short story even shorter, Ratchet flips over many tables and throws many things to the floor. After a few minutes of standing in the wreckage of the repair bay Ratchet sits down in the only chair to survive his wrath and pulls out a magazine. In seconds he was laughing heartily.

**Ratchet **(laughing)**: **Oh that Albedo and her hair brained schemes!

*****

45 minutes later, still in the repair bay…

A trans-time dimensional portal opens up not far from Ratchet but far enough as to remain unseen by him. Four Decepticon Micromasters pop out. They are the Sports Car Patrol and I can only remember one of their names (Blackjack). As a result, I shall refer to the others as Wee Lads 1-3. Blackjack is holding a remote control.

**Blackjack: **Alright, so all I've got to do is point this at the Autobot corpses to control them?

**Wee Lad 1: **Yep. We frighten the good doctor enough to make him want to come with us back to Cybertron and then…(voice gets lower menacingly) the game will begin…

**Wee Lad 2: **What game?

**Wee Lad 1: **You know, THE game.

**Wee Lad 2: **Oh, THE game. Right…

**Blackjack: **Before I press the starter button, any idea how this works?

**Wee Lad 3: **Ours is not to question why, young Blackjack…

**Blackjack: **You have no idea do you?

**Wee Lad 3: **…Just push the button.

**Blackjack: **Fine…

Blackjack pushes the button. Cut to Ratchet sitting at his now upright desk, playing finger puppets with Sludge. Or rather, using Sludge's torso as a finger puppet, propping it on his right arm.

**Ratchet: ***SIGH* I dunno, using Sludge's corpse as a finger puppet just doesn't have the same allure as it did before…

**Sludge **(mouth moving as if in a badly dubbed movie)**: **Then would you mind if I play with you?

**Ratchet: **Ooh yes that would be…AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

Ratchet drops Sludge on the floor. The Dinobot starts to crawl on the ground towards him like a zombie. Looking up, Ratchet saw that the other dead Autobots were stumbling towards him.

**Ratchet: **Of course, it would have to be THIS dream that would come true. Why couldn't it be the one involving the nine femmebots and the value-sized tub of fudge ice cream?

**Goldbug: **Raaaaaaatchet... if you wish to live you muuuuuusssttt kiiiiillll ussssssss…

**Ratchet: **Really? Well why didn't you say so!

Ratchet picks up a very large and very sharp machete.

**Goldbug: **GAH! I didn't actually mean for you to actually do it!

**Ratchet: **BANZAAAAIIIII!

Ratchet leaps into the middle of the pile and starts to hack and slash the Autobots. Cutting back to the Sports Car Patrol…

**Blackjack: **…Okay, that wasn't quite the reaction we wanted…

**Wee Lad 2: **Primus what a _frango. _

**Wee Lad 1: **A what?

**Wee Lad 2: **A _frango_. They say it in Brazil. Something about a hen scuttling across the legs of a man who's trying to catch it.

**Wee Lad 3: **What's the relevance to this situation?

**Wee Lad 2: **There's plenty of relevance.

**Blackjack: **Care to elaborate?

**Wee Lad 2: **Nope. Now switch that thing off. It's time to go to Plan B.

The Sports Car Patrol glue Autobot insignias over their Decepticon ones. Blackjack switches the device off as he and his comrades walk towards Ratchet who watches as the Autobots he hadn't managed to slice and dice fall to the ground.

**Blackjack: **Hail friend Ratchet!

With a scream Ratchet pirouettes around and tries to kill the speaker.

**Sports Car Patrol: **EEK! Don't! We're friends!

Ratchet stop mid swing and see that they're Autobots. He lowers the machete cautiously. 

**Ratchet: **Never seen you four before…

**Wee Lad 3: **Oh that's because we just came aboard using a trans time dimensional portal. We were wondering if you'd like to inspect our state of the art surgeries…

**Ratchet **(getting excited)**: **Did you say state of the art surgeries?

**Wee Lad 1: **Er…yes…

**Ratchet **(now very excited)**: **HOT PUPPIES! I can repair the Autobots in a few hours using state of the art gear! Open up that portal while I pick out a few of my comrades.

Ratchet leaves the stunned Sports Car Patrol to open the portal while he look at the pile of corpses. He eventually picks Jazz, Grimlock and Goldbug as the least damaged and bodily hefts them over his shoulder. Giggling manically he runs through the portal and emerges a second later in a large room filled with super computers. The Sports Car Patrol emerges from the portal as it closes behind them.

**Ratchet: **So I guess it was Emirate Xaaron who sent you guys yeah?

**Blackjack: **YOU WISH AUTOBOT!

Ratchet drops Goldbug, Grimlock and Jazz and covers his audio receptors as the scream is echoed and magnified several times by the large room. Truing around he sees the Sports Car Patrol struggling to remove their Autobot insignias. With a tear of metal and a cry of pain they manage to do so, giving Ratchet a free gander at their Decepticon symbols.

**Ratchet: **…Why do I get the feeling I've made a massive mistake?

**???: **Quite possibly because you have!

Hearing a _very _familiar voice, Ratchet turns around to find a Transformer walking toward him through a stream of white light. Getting used to the glare, Ratchet felt his spirit sink as he saw that it was…

**Ratchet: **MEGATRON!

**Megatron: **AAGH! MY EARS!

To be continued… 

   


	4. Waiting for Clod Issue 57

YEEHAW! Just managed to find out the names of the other members of the Sports Car Patrol! They are Hyperdrive, Detour and Road Hugger. Whenever I get the chance I'll edit the last chapter to this effect.

Chapter 4: Waiting for Clod (Issue #57)

Megatron's secret base, Cybertron…

**Ratchet: **No…no, this can't be! YOU'RE DEAD!

**Megatron:** Yes, but today Ratchet is the day…THE DEAD WALKED!

Megatron starts to strut his funky stuff.

**Ratchet: **AAAGH! THE DEAD DO NOT DANCE!****

Ratchet picks up his machete and leaps at Megatron.

**Ratchet: **BANZAI!

**Megatron: **Whoa!

*****

A few minutes ago, on Earth…

The scene is thus: The Decepticon Air Strike Patrol (another group of Micromasters and going by the names of Storm Cloud, Whisper, Nightflight and Tailwind) has overrun a human airbase in order to steal the B-204 refueling plane. Optimus Prime has lead a strike force consisting of Hot Rod, Landmine, Highbrow, Cloudburst, Getaway, Brainstorm and Blurr to Earth in order to stop them. As always, the 'Cons have taken hostages.

**Prime: **I will say this only once more Decepticons. Surrender or face the consequences.

**Tailwind: **And I'll say THIS only once more Prime! Stick your surrender where the sun don't shine! You're not going to risk a firefight with all these humans around and you know it!

**Prime: **Who said anything about a firefight?

**Storm Cloud: **Eh?

Prime suddenly goes berserk, smashing the Air Strike Patrol into tiny pieces in ten seconds flat.

**Hot Rod: **Huh. That was easy.

A roar is heard from above. The Autobots crane their necks upward to discover a Decepticon troop carrier hovering overhead.

**Hot Rod: **…or not.

The carrier lands and opens its hatch, whereupon Scorponok and his team consisting of Mindwipe, Weirdwolf, Bomb-Burst, Skullgrin, Igunaus, Triggerhappy and Soundwave walk out to face the Autobots.

**Scorponok: **Scorponok is-

**Prime: **Autobots, FIRE!

**Scorponok: **Huh?!? This isn't supposed t-

**BLAM BLAM BLAM!**

*****

Megs' Secret Hideout of Doom, Cybertron…

Megatron is getting the last of his machete wounds sealed by Ratchet, who has the fusion cannon aimed at his head to ensure no funny business.

**Ratchet: **So where on Cybertron are we exactly?

**Megatron: **We are in my incredibly top secret, super stealthy stronghold! BEHOLD!

With a vocal command, Megatron activates the external cameras to show off his base. We can see that it's a giant, difficult-not-to-spot-even-if-you're-blind spire with spikes all around the sides and a huge Decepticon symbol on the front.

**Ratchet: **Hmm…a 600-foot tower in the most visible part of the planet with an equally large Decepticon symbol plastered above the entrance. Oh yeah, I can practically FEEL the stealthyness of this place.

**Megatron: **Laugh while you can Captain Snark. Now I shall tell you how I survived the Great Space Bridge Explosion!

**Ratchet: **Do you have to?

**Megatron: **Many have perceived my actions that day as being that of a deranged mechanoid but I tell you now Ratchet my mind was perfectly clear that day…

Flashback – a few months ago on Earth

**Megatron: **I AM THE LIZARD QUEEN! BWAAAAAAAAA!

Megatron continues to fire at the support struts until they finally give in under the onslaught and collapses the Space Bridge, seemingly taking Megatron with it.

**Megatron **(VO)**: **Unfortunately, I had misjudged the velocity I would be moving at when I reemerged on Cybertron…

We now see Megatron shoot out of the portal with the speed of a surface to air missile, causing him to demolish several buildings on impact.

**Megatron **(VO)**: **Months passed before my internal systems repaired my shattered body enough to allow me to walk around. My mind however remained muddled, condemning me to wander around the Dead End, the home of broken down mechanoids.

**Ratchet **(VO)**: **The Dead End? Where's that?

**Megatron** (VO)**: **Just around the corner from the Iacon Pick 'N Mix. Anyway, the empties there thought of me as just another mechanoid…

Megatron, still suffering the wounds he attained from his fight with the Predacons (Half his face ripped off, various open wounds, the worst on his left arm), approaches three broken down mechanoids.

**Megatron: **Huk-ka…ka…I-I am Mer-Megatron…

**Mechanoid 1: **Hic! Yep, and I'm Lord Straxus.

**Megatron: **Uh, no really…I am Megatron.

**Mechanoid 2: **Yep, and I'm Shockwave.

**Megatron: **For the love of…! Look, I've got a fusion cannon, I have this bizarre bucket shaped helmet and I'm about four feet taller than anyone here! Who the slag else could I be? I AM MEGATRON!

**Mechanoid 3: **Yep, and I'm Simon Furman.

**Megatron: **BWAAAAA!

**BAM! BIFF! POW! BOOM!**

Megatron walks away from the wreckage of the three mechanoids, mumbling incoherently to himself.

**Mechanoid 2: **Looks like SOMEBODY got out on the wrong side of the recharge bed this morning…

**Megatron **(VO)**: **And so it continued, until one day I came across Blackjack cornered by two Autobots…

**Blackjack: **By the many curvaceous models in Playboy! MEGATRON!

**Megatron: **Moo?

**Megatron **(VO)**: **His call partially brought out of my latest delusion that I was a cow in Devon but it was the sight of that hated insignia that brought me back to reality…

**Megatron: **By the Golden Spires! JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES!

**Autobots: **Eh?

**Megatron **(VO)**: **After blowing them sky high and Blackjack explaining that they were in fact Autobots he lead me out of the Dead End. The rest, as they say, is history.

**Hyperdrive: **Boss? Darkwing and Dreadwind have arrived with their cargo.

**Megatron: **Excellent! Come and meet your patient Ratchet and keep in mind that I only need contact Blackjack on the Ark to send blow your deactivated comrades to atoms.

**Ratchet: **Hmm…

As they leave the lab Ratchet's gaze switches from the Pretender shell Megatron has built for this solider of his to the three prototype shells in the corner of the room to Goldbug, Jazz and Grimlock lying deactivated on the ground. With a thoughtful smile he makes his way to the next room, where a smoke bomb is set off, blinding everyone present.

**Voice: **I AM THE TERROR THAT FLAPS IN THE NIGHT!

**Detour: **Oh no not again…

**Voice: **I AM THE REFEREE THAT BLOWS FOR FULL TIME THREE MINUTES EARLY!

The smoke clears to reveal Darkwing in a dramatic pose. Dreadwind is standing next to him looking slightly bemused.

**Darkwing: **I AM DARKWIIIIIIIIIING DECEPTICON!

**Megatron: **Oh quiet down you rube! Do you have him?

**Dreadwind: **Yep! Here ya go!

Dreadwind hands Megatron what at first appears to be a mess of wires and shards of red, blue and white metal. Ratchet looks on for a moment before realizing who it is.

**Ratchet: **You've gotta be kidding me! Him?!? Of all the Decepticons, you've chosen to resurrect him?!? You truly are insane!

**Megatron: **Ah, you confuse madness with genius Ratchet. Do you not appreciate the supreme irony of using my traitorous ex-lieutenant Starscream as my instrument of revenge? Hmm, can you? Isn't it ironic?

**Ratchet **(sighing)**: **Yes Megatron, EVERYTHING'S ironic…

To be continued…


	5. Say, aren't you supposed to be dead? Iss...

Chapter 5: Say, aren't you supposed to be dead? (Issue #58)  

Megs' Stealthy House O' Wonder, Cybertron…

Starscream's corpse can be seen inside the Pretender shell just as the two halves close together. Thanks to its advanced design the shell will automatically rebuild anyone inside it. All it needs is someone to supervise the process. The supervisor in this case, Ratchet, is currently engrossed in something we can't see right now while Megatron can be seen in the adjacent room watching a brilliant TV show about vampires, demons and best of all, lesbians.

**Megatron **(sobbing)**: **NO TARA! DON'T LEAVE WILLOW! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

**Ratchet: **Pffft. And he calls himself focused. What kind of Transformer lets himself be distracted by such menial pursuits?

Pan out to show the activity Ratchet was so engrossed in was playing a game on a Playstation 2. 

**Ratchet: **And talk about overreacting…

At this point Ratchet's eyes suddenly bug out with fury as he smashes the controller to the ground and starts to hop up and down in rage before getting on his knees and raising his arms to the ceiling.

**Ratchet: **DAMN YOU CHOP CHOP MASTER ONION! WHY MUST YOU MOCK ME SO?!?!

Megatron walks into the repair bay dabbing away his tears.

**Megatron: **Well? How goes it?

**Ratchet **(getting to his feet)**: **Pretty well. He should be operational within the next hour or so.

**Megatron: **Excellent. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!

**Ratchet **(thinking)**: **Smug git…

**Megatron: **HEY!

**Ratchet **(speaking)**: **It said 'thinking'.

**Megatron: **Oh. Sorry.

**Ratchet **(thinking again)**: **Anyway, I wish there was some way to wipe that smug grin off his face. Not much chance of that, what with Megatron's massive strength and Blackjack laying explosives on the Ark…

Ratchet glances at Grimlock, Jazz and Goldbug lying on the ground deactivated, then glances at the three unused Pretender shells.

**Ratchet: **Hmm…

Cut now to Dreadwind and Darkwing with the remaining members of the Sports Car Patrol in another part of the room.

**Detour: **Quit shovin' me Dreadwind, or I'll –

**Dreadwind: **You'll what? Gimmie a break half-pint!

**Hyperdrive: **Do it Detour! Give him a –

Hyperdrive is cut off by Darkwing stepping on him.

**SQUISH!**

**Hyperdrive: **…ow.

**Megatron: **ENOUGH! Dreadwind, Darkwing, how would you two like to work for me?

**Dreadwind: **Not a bad idea! Not a great idea either, but still…

**Darkwing: **Yeah. Besides, those Mecannibals we told you about, the ones who were chasing us? We're not entirely sure we lost them.

**Megatron: **Oh? What makes you say that? 

Darkwing and Dreadwind simultaneously point to the window behind Megatron. Following their fingers, he turns around to find two Mecannibals (large red sphere shaped robots with huge teeth and eyes who first appeared in Issue #54 or so who, as their name might imply, eat fellow Mechanoids) outside leering at them hungrily.

**Megatron: **Eep.

*****

Back on Earth…

**Prime: **Ok, that's it! Everyone back on the shuttle!

**Cloudburst: **Oh come on!

**Prime: **I warned you all before, one more knock-knock joke and everyone goes back to the Ark. Now GIT!

**Autobots: **AWWW!

The Autobots tromp back to the shuttle, leaving Prime to finish off the battered Decepticons.

**Igunaus: **Look Scorponok! The Autobots flee!

**Scorponok: **That's what they think!

Scorponok's head lifts off from his body and transforms into the Nebulan Lord Zarak as his body transforms into his scorpion mode.

**Zarak: **And now Scorponok…DESTROY THE SHUTTLE!

**Prime: **NO!

Prime just barely manages to whack Scorponok's tail, causing his Tail Beam to miss.

**Mindwipe: **GET HIM!

The other Decepticons swarm Prime. Much insanely glorious violence ensues. Hot Rod spies this just as the shuttle is about to take off.

**Hot Rod: **PRIME!

Hot Rod leaps off the shuttle and heads towards Prime.

**Landmine: **Hot Rod get back here! We have to go!

**Hot Rod: **No way! I'm can't let Prime die! He still owes me 700 energon cubes from the last poker night!

**Landmine: **Well screw you then!

The shuttle takes off as Hot Rod runs toward the carnage, guns in both hands.

**Hot Rod: **Hang on Prime I'm…

Hot Rod arrives to find the Decepticons almost completely totaled and Prime without a scratch.

**Hot Rod: **…coming?

**Prime: **Listen up Zarak. It's obvious now that someone's been manipulating events here, causing us to be at this location together at this exact time. Why, I have no idea. But unless we work together, I fear that it could be the end for us all!

**Zarak: **Hmmm…

**Prime: **Decide, Zarak! Will you trust me or shall we wait for our horrific and terrible fate to kill us and make beanie baby toys with our broken and abused carcasses?

**Zarak: **Hmmm…

*****

Cybertron…

**Megatron: **Are you done yet?

**Ratchet: **I would have been done sooner if you hadn't made me paint these colorful racing stripes up his side but yeah, I'm finished. May I present…PRETENDER STARSCREAM!

*DUN DUN DUUUUUN*

**Ratchet **(turning off the stereo)**: **Sorry.

**Megatron: **YAHOO! Now I can eliminate all my foes with him! Assuming of course, you've followed my instructions to the letter. His mind…?

**Ratchet: **Is a blank slate. Though to be honest I fail to see how that's any different from before. Now about the Ark…

**Megatron: **Ah yes, the Ark. (to the Sports Car Patrol) Hyperdrive, Detour, Roadhugger dismantle the lab. Blackjack, fetch my slippers.

**All: **…

**Megatron: **Blackjack?

**Hyperdrive: **Blackjack. On Ark. Laying many powerful explosives.

**Megatron: **Ah, yes of course. Radio him and give him to the signal to activate the explosives.

**Ratchet: **NO!

It should be noted that Ratchet knew all along that Megatron would blow up the Ark no matter what he did. Unfortunately, in an attempt to seem shocked, perhaps the medic went a bit too far…

**Ratchet **(diving and latching onto Megatron's leg)**: **Damn you Megatron! Have you no decency? HAVE YOU NO SHRED OF GOODNESS IN THAT DANK PIT OF EVIL YOU CALL A SPARK?!?!?

**Decepticons: **…

**Ratchet **(bawling like a Hollywood prima donna)**: **How can you sleep at night? HOW?!?

**Megatron** (shaking his leg desperately to get Ratchet off)**: **Get off!

**Ratchet: **THINK OF THE CHILDREN!

Finally, after much leg shaking Megatron managed to kick Ratchet away before escorting Starscream to the portal room. Needing to keep the Sports Car Patrol out of the lab until his little 'surprise' was ready Ratchet went to Plan B.

**Ratchet **(fiddling with a surgical computer)**: **By the ludicrously large trophy room of Manchester United! These power readings…off the chart! IT'S GONNA BLOW!

As planned the Sports Car Patrol come close, drawing weapons.

**Hyperdrive: **What'choo talkin' 'bout Autobot?

**Detour: **Yeah, the only thing about to blow is the Ark!

**Ratchet **(thinking)**: **True, but a surgical laser to the power core should change that…

A small surgical laser gun pops out of Ratchet's wrist. Aiming it at the power port he discharges a blast and waits for the computer's core to overload.

Nothing happened.

Perturbed Ratchet sent a slightly larger blast into the port and looked again.

Nothing obstinately continued to happen.

Driven mad by yet another thing in his life going wrong, Ratchet started to blast the power port with full power surgical lasers, screaming all the while. The Sports Car Patrol are now slowly backing away, fear etched on their ludicrously ugly faces. Ratchet suddenly turns to face them, whatever tiny semblence of sanity he had visibly dribbling out of his audio sensors.

**Ratchet: **REEEEEEAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHH!

Picking them all up in an adrenalin-fuelled burst of strength Ratchet hurled the Sports Car Patrol into the computer. This had the effect he had been going for, which was the destruction of the computer and the incapcitation of the Sports Car Patrol. Giggling like a schoolgirl on speed Ratchet sprinted down the corridor towards the lab onlt to be stopped by what he saw in the portal room.

**Ratchet: **Aw man, the portal's open already! Which means that Megatron must've had Starscream's program ready, which means he's already on Earth!

Ratchet is prevented from going on by the sight of a shadow looming over him. The owner of the shadow is so angry, his shadow has gone blood red. Ratchet stares in fear before trying a sort of half-assed reverse psychology.

**Ratchet: **Boy, I sure hope Megatron's standing behind me! (turns around to discover a very pissed off Megatron) Aw hell it IS you!

**Megatron: **Why you little…!

He starts to choke Ratchet.

**Ratchet: **AACKKKK!

*****

The Ark…

**Blackjack **(laying explosives)**: **I've got a luverly bunch of cocobombs, diddily-dum,

Here they are standing in a rooooow!

                                                     Big ones, small ones,

                                                     Some as big as your head…

Blackjack is interrupted by a beeping noise coming from the computer. Checking it out, he is stunned to see that the Autobots are on their way back from Earth.

**Blackjack: **Slag! These guys won't be as easy to get rid of as the skeleton crew aboard the Ark was. Better finish up here and skidaddle!

Blackjack turns from the console and finds himself staring down the barrel of a gun. Kup (who had just recovered) glares at the Micromaster with annoyance.

**Kup: **What're you up to Blackjack?

**Blackjack: **Err…(puts on a fake French accent) Who iz zis Blackjack you speak of? I am merely a small French pig farmer who has lost his way…

**Kup: **Don't toy with me punk! I haven't had my medication yet and I'm in a meeeeaaaan mood!

To get the point across Kup pushes Blackjack, causing him to drop his detonator. It hits the ground with a small _thwanng_, which immediately arms the bombs and starts the countdown.

**Blackjack: **Sacre bleu!

*****

Back on Earth, a few hours later than the first time we were here…

Prime and Hot Rod are playing poker (Prime's losing quite badly), Mindwipe and Weirdwolf are playing 'I Spy' while the rest of the Decepticons are ogling naked pictures of Tekken 4's Christie Montinero. Looking up from his 467th losing hand Prime spoke to Zarak.

**Prime: **For Primus' sake Zarak, would you choose a damn option already?!?!

**Zarak: **Hmmm…

Prime is prevented on stomping on Zarak by a trans-time dimensional portal opening up. As everyone save the Christie Watchers gaze up at the portal. Starscream appears, clad in his Pretender shell.

**Starscream: **WORD UP MY BITCHES! My master is decreeing you is all for the scrapyard, YO!

**Zarak: **NO! Not him! Not…

Suddenly Starscream's shell opens and he leaps out, clad in a canary yellow shell suit, more gold chains than a bus load of gangsta rappers, multiple rings on each finger, a red skullcappy thing on his head and a pair of wraparound gold tinted sunglasses along with a bizarre beard/mustache combo.

**Zarak **(stunned)**: **…Starscream? 

*****

Cybertron…

**Dreadwind: **Erm…boss?

**Megatron** (looking up from hitting Ratchet over the head with a steel watermelon)**: **WHAT?!?

**Dreadwind **(one eye on the mysterious melon)**: **I think you should head to the lab. Something's going on.

Megatron gave the semi-concious Ratchet a vicious glance before following Dreadwind to the lab, where Darkwing and the now conscious Sports Car Patrol were gazing at the three prototype Pretender shells as they glowed.

**Megatron: **The shells have been activated! But who could be in – 

Megatron drifts off as he stares at the spot where Goldbug, Grimlock and Jazz had laid. They weren't there any more. He then looked at the Pretender shells. Then he looked back the spot. Then back to the shells. He did this for a full three minutes before Ratchet leapt to his feet from his vantage point on the ground.

**Ratchet: **MY COMRADES ARE IN THOSE SHELLS YOU MORON!

**Megatron **(shocked)**: **WHAT?!?

**Ratchet: **Yeah, and now…IT'S CLOBBERING TIME!

The Decepticons leap into battle poses, waiting for the shells to pop open.

They waited.

And waited.

And waited some more.

Then, from the shells, came the words…

**Autobots: **HELP! WE CAN'T GET OUT!

**Ratchet: **Oh for the love of…! 

To be continued…

Next week: Ratchet vs. Megatron! Grimlock's Pretenders vs. the Sports Car Patrol! Prime and Scorponok vs. Starry G! This story vs. the reader's sanity! Don't miss it!


	6. Pretenders Ahoy! Issue 59

It's been a while, hasn't it? Look out for more updates on my other TF stories soon!

Chapter 6: Pretenders Ahoy! (Issue #59) 

When last we left our heroic medic and his not so heroic arch-nemesis they were about to engage in a titanic battle!

Cut to Ratchet, Megatron, Darkwing, Dreadwind, Hyperdrive, Detour and Roadhugger sitting around looking bored as frantic banging is heard from the Pretender shells.

**Ratchet: **For Primus' sake would you lot hurry up and get out here? We're on a bit of a schedule here ya know.

**Decepticons: **We are? 

**Grimlock: **ME CAN'T GET OUT OF SHELL!

**Ratchet: **Just use the release catch!

**Grimlock: **WHAT YOU TALK ABOUT, THERE NO…oh wait, there it is.

A 'click' can be heard from within Grimlock's shell, followed by the deranged Dinobot charging out of it. Transforming into his T-Rex mode he smashes the startled Megatron through the roof. A faraway outdoors shot of the fortress shows Megatron flying into the stratosphere.

**Grimlock: **Hmmm, that almost too easy…but what the hey! Easy good!

He and Ratchet are about to high five when a long whistling sound can be heard coming from above. Nanoseconds later Grimlock is squashed by Megatron as falls back into the fortress, the latter of which immediately springs to his feet, pointing an accusing finger at Ratchet. 

**Megatron: **Do you think you've made a bit of difference Ratchet? Well, DO YOU?!?

**Ratchet: **Well, I – 

**Megatron: **SHUT UP! I don't care what you've done, nothing will stop me from getting my revenge against Scorponok, Prime, you, the government of Liechtenstein, the makers of 'King of the Hill' and especially Albedo and Metal Gear Prime for putting me through hell these past few fanfics! You hear me?!? NOTHING! BWAHAHAHAHAHA – 

Megatron's laugh is cut short by nineteen plasma shots to the front. The force of the blasts knocks him backwards into the now upright Grimlock, who clamps his mighty jaws onto the Decepticon's torso. Turning around Ratchet saw Bumblebee, now out of his Pretender shell, holding a smoking plasma hand cannon.

**Bumblebee: **Sneak attacks, gotta love 'em.

**Ratchet: **It's good to have you back Bumblebee.

**Bumblebee:** Hey doc, never doubted you for a minute. Best surgeon this side of Hydrus Four…well, maybe not the BEST…more second best. Or third. Maybe fourth…

**Ratchet **(monotone)**: **Oh please stop. My ego has swelled to bursting point.

**Bumblebee: **One question though. Why am I back to being Bumblebee?

**Ratchet: **Call it personal preference. I always did prefer your original form!

At this Bumblebee's eyes fill with water and his bottom lip begins to quiver.

**Bumblebee: **S-so, you're saying that I was…ugly?

**Ratchet: **Dear Primus, yes! I hadn't seen anything that hideous since the time I stumbled upon a nude Leonard Nimoy website.

Bumblebee bursts into tears at this before running to a corner. Bemused, Ratchet hears another voice behind him.

**Jazz: **If you're quite finished wrecking your comrade's fragile self-esteem I could use a hand.

**Ratchet: **JAZZ!

**Jazz: **That's my name don't wear it out.

We can see Jazz, also out of his Pretender shell, kicking the Micromasters around like dolls.

**Jazz: **These Decepticons may be small, but they can pack one hell of a punch!

Hyperdrive leaps up and punches Jazz in the face. There's little to no power in the punch but Jazz reacts as if he's been punched by Predaking. 

**Jazz: **Oh! Ow! The pain! The agony! The – 

Jazz looks up to see that Ratchet's not buying it.

**Jazz: **Fine, I'm just lazy. Wanna help?

**Ratchet: **There's no need for me to help. Your Pretender shell can be used to help you fight.

**Jazz: **Really? How?

**Ratchet: **Use the power of your mind. Granted, it's a pretty feeble power but try your best anyway.

After flipping the doctor off Jazz strained his mind and communicated a single command to his shell: _Fight!_ The message received, Jazz's shell straighten, took a few steps forward…

…before making a beeline for the still sobbing Bumblebee and kicking the crap out of the unfortunate Autobot.

**Jazz: **Oh slag!

Ratchet watches as Jazz runs over to his shell and tries to wrestle it off his comrade. He spares a glance at Grimlock with Megatron's legs dangling out of his mouth and Darkwing and Dreadwind, both of whom are engaged in a flame war on their personal laptops, before running to the communications room to contact help.

*****

Meanwhile, back on Earth…

**Starry G: **It has been decreed by my wicked master DJ McMegatron that all you uncool dudes are goin' to the scrapyard! BOOSHAKA!

Starry G notices that a few Decepticons are not listening and walks over to see why.

**Starry G: **Ah! You iz lookin' at dey picture of dey Brazilian hottie wid dey sweet babylons, eh? Well, not any more!

Starry G destroys the computer the 'Cons were using before going on a wild shooting spree. By the time he's finished only Prime, Scorponok, Mindwipe and Weirdwolf remain standing.

**Zarak: **This…this can't be! You died when the powers of the Underbase vaporized you!

**Starry G: **Ha! Perhaps den, Lord Zarak, I iz a ghost, comin' ta wreak dey dread vengeance on da loosas who be lettin' my fine self become a stiffy! BOOYAKA!

**Prime **(thinking)**: **Hmmm…yet another enemy back from the dead with new and highly dangerous upgrades. Looks like I'll have to use my secret weapon once again…

Acting quickly, Prime reached into subspace and whipped out a holy tome titled 'The Complete Transformers Toy Line. Collect 'em all!'

**Prime: **Let's see here…'Pretender Starscream'. They've bound to have listed a weakness somewhere…

**Starry G: **Oh no you don't!

In an instant Starry G's Pretender shell is pounding the living daylights out of Prime while Starry G himself does the same to the Decepticons.

**Prime: **Oh well, at least the rest of my troops are safe onboard the Ark…

*****

The Ark…

Kup and Blurr are clustered around the bomb as Getaway interrogates Blackjack. In the background the rest of the functional Autobots are initiating Directive 3A, which states: 'In the event of a certain death scenario put your head between your legs and kiss your skidplate goodbye.'

**Blurr: **Ohnoohnoohnothisisitwe'rereallygonnadie!

**Kup **(annoyed)**: **Are you gonna just stand their yappin' or are you going to help?

**Blurr: **I'mgonnakeepyappin'!

**Kup: **Getaway! Can't you get that punk to tell you how to disarm these bombs?

**Getaway **(shaking Blackjack)**: **It's hopeless! He won't tell me anything!

**Blackjack: **CAN'T tell you, CAN'T! Are you deaf Autobot?

**Getaway **(cupping a hand to an audio sensor)**: **Eh?

**Blackjack: **Where's the difficulty here? Just grab the slaggin' bombs and toss 'em out an airlock!

**Kup: **We can't.

**Blackjack: **What?!? Why?

**Kup: **Because…

A few seconds later…

**Kup: **…and that's why we can't simply toss the bombs off the ship.

**Blackjack **(amazed)**: **Woah. That IS a good reason.

**Kup: **Only thing that can save us now is an incredible slice of good luck…

*****

Back at Megatron's House of Imported Booze…

**Megatron **(hanging out of Grimlock's mouth)**: **ENOUGH! Didn't any of you read the first part of this chapter? NO ONE'S going to rob me of my vengeance!

With that Megatron blasts Bumblebee with his fusion cannon, sending the Minibot flying out of the fortress.

**Megatron: **Not you, Bumblebee!

Leaping out of Grimlock's mouth the deranged Decepticon grabbed the Dinobot and bodily hurled him through the hole Bumblebee made, taking Jazz (who was in his path) with him.

**Megatron: **And not YOU Grimlock and Jazz!

Now completely in the throes of a mighty fury Megatron picks up Hyperdrive, Roadhugger and Detour and mashes them together into a ball before kicking them out the hole.

**Megatron: **And certainly not YOU Micromaster Sports Car Patrol…(realizes what he's just done)…ah, slag it.

Annoyed, Megatron turns to Darkwing and Dreadwind.

**Megatron: **What the slag are you two waiting for? Go out there and finish them!

**Dreadwind: **You got it boss!

Dreadwind and Darkwing transform before combining into the super jet Dreadwing. With a roar of his mighty engines Dreadwing powers out of the base, the sonic boom from which embeds Megatron in the far wall.

**Megatron: **I'm beginning to feel this isn't going to be my day… 

Switch over to Ratchet, who's standing in the trans-time dimensional portal control room. He's currently fiddling with a communications relay.

**Ratchet: **Let's see…direct line to Cybertron…direct line to sympathetic arms dealers on Gottlieb…direct line to Playboy magazine? Sweet!

Resisting the urge to try the last line, Ratchet opens up a communicae to the Ark. The screen flickers for a second before the gormless face of Cloudburst appears.

**Cloudburst: **Oh, hello…um…

**Ratchet: **Ratchet.

**Cloudburst: **Yeah! Ratchet! How's it goin' buddy?

Ratchet: Not too good. Megatron's – 

**Cloudburst:** Who?

**Ratchet: **Megatron. You know, big guy, large arm mounted cannon, smells vaguely of month old cheese?

**Cloudburst: **Oh, MEGAtron! The guy who sells otter pelts on 24th Street!

**Ratchet: **…what? Look, I want you to open a portal at your location. When it opens, I want you to shove the most powerful, destructive weapon you've got through it. Understand?

**Cloudburst: **The most powerful, destructive weapon we have?

**Ratchet: **Mmm-hmm.

**Cloudburst: **Ok. Does Megatron want anything?

**Ratchet: **Huh? What does –

Ratchet gets very very quiet as a silver arm snaked past him and flicked the comms unit off. Cut to Cloudburst on board the Ark.

**Cloudburst: **Eh? What does 'oh flurking shint!' mean? Hello?

Cloudburst shrugs before commencing his quest to find the most destructive weapon on board the Ark. As he walks he happens to spot the bombs Blackjack had laid out.

**Cloudburst: **Hmmm… 

Back at Megs' House of Bad Planning…

**Ratchet: **Well, come on then. Give me the 'Ruin MY genius plot will you?!?' speech.

**Megatron **(for it is he)**: **Speech _this_.

Megatron uppercuts Ratchet, sending the medic flying. As Megatron advances on Ratchet, the latter flips himself upright before striking a kung fu pose.

**Ratchet: **Let me teach you a lesson my friend!

With a Xena-esque war cry Ratchet leaped into the air before striking Megatron with a roundhouse kick. Then, by no visible means he stays in the air, delivering kick after kick to Megatron's head. After three minutes of this Megatron (undamaged thanks to Ratchet having the psychical strength of a three hour old gerbil) grabbed Ratchet and smashed him to the ground. Seizing his chance the former 'Con overlord pins Ratchet with a foot to the chest plate while aiming his fusion cannon at Ratchet's head.

**Megatron: **And so it ends…

**Ratchet: **Oh yes! But not in the way you would want it to end!

**Megatron: **What?

Grinning, Ratchet lifted his arm to reveal a built-in mini TV. The scene is Starry G's rampage on Earth…

Cut to Earth where Starry G is approaching Zarak menacingly.

**Starry G: **And now, little squishy man, I iz going to –

Suddenly Starry G convulses and crackles with electricity. When it is over, he is Starscream again.

**Starscream: **Wha…? Where am I? What's going – 

Starscream looks up as Zarak, riding atop Scorponok, grinning homicidally down at him.

**Starscream **(tiny voice)**: **Mummy.  

Back to Megatron's Fortress of Sheep…

**Megatron: **What the…?!

**Ratchet: **Did you really think that I would send Starscream to Earth without throwing a spanner into the works?

Megatron is about to speak when the trans-time dimensional portal opens up a few feet away from them. Ratchet's Smug Smile of Victory is replaced by the Open Mouthed Squeal of Horror as Blackjack's bombs are unceremoniously dumped out of the portal.

**Ratchet: **Aw slag…well, at least I'll take you with…(notices that Megatron is already running for the portal)…HEY!

Almost immediately Ratchet chases after Megatron and manages to tackle him on the very edge of the portal.

**Ratchet: **This time, YOU STAY DEAD!

**Megatron: **Pfft. As if I haven't heard that one before.

Cut to the outside of Megatron's base a few seconds earlier, where Grimlock, Jazz and Bumblebee are sitting on the wrecked remains of the Sports Car Patrol as they watch Dreadwing attack three lumps of metal which vaguely resemble the Classic Pretenders.

**Jazz: **How long do ya think it'll take for them to figure out we're over here?

**Grimlock: **I'd give them about…ooh, three hours at most.

At this point Blackjack's bombs go off, completely destroying Megatron's base in a massive roar of noise.

**Bumblebee: **Say, you guys hear something?

**Grimlock/Jazz: **Nope.

Back on Earth…

**Hot Rod: **I can't believe you just let Scorponok leave with Starscream.

**Prime: **It was for the best, Hot Rod. Besides, I think Starscream's suffered enough today, don't you?

**Hot Rod: **I suppose. Man, who'da thought you could fit a truck in that particular orifice?

**Prime: **Indeed. It will be a while before Starscream amuses us with yet another wacky attempt at gaining control of the Decepticons.

**Hot Rod: **Or be able to walk properly.

**Prime: **At any rate, my main concern lies with Ratchet.

**Hot Rod: **Eh, I wouldn't worry Optimus. Something tells my ol' Ratchet's gonna be all right…

Cut to unspace (the reality between dimensions) where the newly fused Megatron and Ratchet are floating aimlessly.

**Megatron: **Well this sucks.

**Ratchet: **Yup.

To be continued…

Next chapter: NIGHTBEAT! SHOCKWAVE! BETRAYAL! PLAY-DOH! All this and more in Chapter 7: The Issue with a Shock Ending! On sale sometime in the next decade! 


	7. The Issue With a Shock Ending! Issue 69

THE STORY SO FAR…

Following the supposed destruction of Ratchet and Megatron, Grimlock, Jazz and Bumblebee ran amok on Cybertron, blowing generic Decepticons to pieces with the help of the Micromaster Rescue Patrol and a group of Targetmasters who never appear again. An incident involving them, the Decepticon Mayhem Attack Squad (Bludgeon, Stranglehold and Octopunch), and an errant laser blast lead to the awakening the Transformers' god, Primus. The news that this tiny mistake could lead to the destruction of the Transformers race at the hands of the dark god Unicron causes Prime to initiate the Matrix Quest in a bid to find the Matrix (duh), said to be the only thing capable of stopping the mustachioed one. The Quest consisted of four teams of three Autobots per team (Nightbeat, Hosehead and Siren traveling to Pz-Zazz, Backstreet, Dogfight and Override arriving in Cheyne, Doubleheader, Pincer and Longtooth going to Gottlieb and Grimlock, Jazz and Bumblebee traveling to VsQs). Predictably, none of these teams managed to secure the Matrix, with the Sacred Lifeforce ending up in the hands of the Decepticon Thunderwing who had been shadowing the participating Autobots since the beginning of the Quest with his merry band of idiots (Spinister, Needlenose, Ruckus and Windsweeper). In the end it became necessary to launch Thunderwing and the now-corrupted Matrix into space by means of a self destructing shuttle, leading Prime to find a new way to combat Unicron. Meanwhile, in an alternate future, Galavtron is on the verge of ruling Earth having all but wiped out the Autobots (seven remain, but it's not exactly a team of Herculean proportions). Long story short, Galvatron is kidnapped by Hook, Line and Sinker, soldiers created by an alternate past version of Unicron who wished to use Galvatron to help him destroy Cybertron, which in this timeline has already been destroyed by the alternate future version of the same dark god. Still with me? His disappearance gives hope to Jazz, Prowl and Inferno (Guzzle, Chainclaw, Getaway and Crossblades having bought the farm earlier) that they can perhaps still win the war, completely ignoring the fact that it's still 3 Autobots vs. a couple of hundred Decepticons.

Oh yeah, and some guy called Shockwave returns to present Starscream with an intriguing proposition.

AND NOW, THE STORY CONTINUUMS…

Chapter 7: The Issue with a Shock Ending! (Issue #69)

Open up with the Ark flying through space. Inside, the Autobots are relaxing as only they can; ie: watching TV, playing chess (and socking the victor), disco dancing, telling lame jokes and nude baby-oil wrestling. Cut to Waverider walking down a corridor. As he passes Grimlock's quarters he hears an almighty ruckus coming from within. Alarmed, he enters the quarters to discover the Autobot second in command wildly flinging his limbs around the place, destroying everything he comes in contact with.

**Waverider: **GRIMLOCK!

**Grimlock: **Shhh! You'll interrupt my Tai Chi session!

**Waverider: **Tai Chi?

Grimlock stops and looks at Waverider crossly. Behind him, the Pretender sees a video monitor with a Tai Chi program playing on it.

**Grimlock: **Yes, Tai Chi. And now you've ruined my inner balance. Me hope you're happy. 

**Waverider: **Um…out of curiosity, is there anything you want to talk about?

**Grimlock: **Nope.

**Waverider: **You're not still suffering from any ill effects from…'that time', are you?

**Grimlock: **What time?

**Waverider: **You know…when we accidentally dropped your Pretender shell down that 400-foot ravine when we rescued you, Jazz and Bumblebee from VsQs.

**Grimlock: **For the last time, me not suffering from any side-…

Suddenly Grimlock stiffens up like a statue before dancing a frantic polka.

**Grimlock: **THE ONIONS ARE COMING! SOMEONE WARN THE CANTALOUPES!

Almost as suddenly as he began Grimlock stops and looks at Waverider as if nothing had happened.

**Grimlock: **…-effects.  

**Waverider **(backing away slowly)**: **Yes, well I'll be heading off then to…

As soon as he's a safe distance away Waverider runs off, leaving Grimlock to resume his uber-violent Tai Chi session. Meanwhile, Optimus Prime walks down a corridor towards the science labs, moping as he goes.

**Prime: **Look at them, my Autobots. Laughing, having a good time…

We now see several Autobots doing things. Siren and Hosehead telling lewd jokes concerning Scorponok and his alleged fondness for sheep to each other, Dogfight, Joyride and Pincer are getting high from the Ark's exhaust fumes while Highbrow is leading a blindfolded Cloudburst to an airlock.

**Prime: **…but as they enjoy themselves, they continue to treat the threat of Unicron as a legend rather than an actuality. If only…

Prime is halted in his musing by a stabbing pain in his stomach which brings him to his knees.

**Prime: **Damn energon burritos! That's the last time I eat at Hot Rod's again.

Once the pain has subsided, Prime continues on his way and enters Science Lab B-1, where Nightbeat is seen to be feverishly working at a computer station.

**Prime: **Found anything, Nightbeat?

On hearing Prime's voice, Nightbeat closes down his game of The Sims and brings up a few schematics.

**Nightbeat: **I think so.

**Prime:** Geez, that was quick.

**Nightbeat: **That's what happens when you force someone to work non-stop for nine straight weeks. I'd better get that overtime pay you promised me.

**Prime **(crossing his fingers)**: **Oh, absolutely!

**Nightbeat: **Um, you're supposed to do that behind your back.

**Prime: **Do what?

**Nightbeat: **Yeesh. Anyway, long story short, Ratchet isn't dead.

**Prime: **Say…what?

**Nightbeat: **Stop that. I've reviewed Jazz's report – 

**Prime: **Just Jazz's? Why not Cloudburst's as well?

**Nightbeat: **Well, I would've used Cloudburst's but all it contained was a few doodles of Lexa Doig and a recipe for gazpacho soup.

**Prime: **That's an outrage!

**Nightbeat: **No kidding. His soup sucks big time.

**Prime: **But how could Ratchet be alive?

**Nightbeat: **Well, it's possible that he could have been blown into the portal by the force of an initial, smaller explosion. The main explosion a nanosecond later would have caused the portal to shut down, trapping Ratchet in unspace, the region between realities.

Nightbeat walks over to a probe which is mounted on a platform.

**Nightbeat: **By using this probe which I've primed with Ratchet's bio-mechanical readout, it may be possible to pull Ratchet out of unspace and back into reality.

Nightbeat looks over to Prime. Silence reigns for a few moments as the facts sink in.

**Prime: **Say…what?

**Nightbeat **(sigh)**: **I'll just dumb it down a shade shall I?

Nightbeat leaves the lab. Three minutes later he returns dressed up as a fisherman, complete with boots, checkered shirt and silly hat. He's carrying a tub of water with the word UNSPACE written on it, a fishing rod with the word PROBE written on it and a Play-Doh doll of Ratchet. Sitting down he tosses the doll into the tub and dips the rod in. After a few minutes he snags the doll and brings it out of the tub.

**Prime: **Sooooooo…you're saying we could save Ratchet from unspace using your probe? 

**Nightbeat: **By Primus! Such observation! Such lightning quick deduction skills! What are you doing here when there are numerous unsolved cases out there waiting to be solved? Go! Go for the sake of the Universe!

**Prime **(narrowing his optics)**: **You know, they say sarcasm is the lowest form of humor.

**Nightbeat: **The most fun too.

Nightbeat walks over to a console and presses a few buttons. The trans-time dimensional portal opens up and swallows the probe before closing down again.

**Nightbeat: **I just hope this doesn't lead to a situation not unlike a certain horror film starring Jeff Goldblum.

**Prime: **Yeah, like that's going to happen.

*****

Meanwhile, many light years away, the dark god Unicron opens a portal to an alternate future, allowing his servants Hook, Line and Sinker to emerge with their captive, the deranged Galvatron.

**Unicron: **Ah, my servants. You have returned. All went well I hope?

**Hook: **Yep, aside from the fact that Sinker was sent to Japan in 2002.

Cut over to Sinker, who is dressed in a Brazil soccer kit, has a Brazilian flag hat on his hat and a inflatable World Cup trophy on his back.

**Sinker: **TOP O' THE WORLD MA!

**Line: **At least he's stopped singing in Portuguese.

**Galvatron: **…!

**Unicron: **Speak with your mind.

**Galvatron:** ………………!

**Unicron: **Well, not that's it's any of your business; I've been building an airtight lawsuit against Albedo. I'll teach her to use my name without consent by cracky!

**Galvatron: **……?

**Unicron: **WHAT?! How dare you! My mother was a saint!

Unicron whacks Galvatron with a wave of plasma, causing the tyrant to silently scream in pain.

**Unicron: **Now go! Take Hook, Line and Sinker with you and hinder the efforts of Primus' children to prepare for my arrival.

**Galvatron** (thinking)**: **Oh, I'll play your game all right, but it'll be by my rules…

**Unicron: **I can read your thoughts you know.

**Galvatron** (thinking)**: **Uh-oh… 

*****

Back on the Ark…

Grimlock can be seen in the Med-bay, cheerfully loading the Dinobots' bodies onto a hover platform when Kup happens to walk by.

**Kup: **HEY! What do ya think yer doin'?!

**Grimlock: **Just a spot of body snatching. Wanna help?

**Kup: **No I don't want to help! Step away from those pods! 

Kup points his gun at Grimlock.

**Grimlock: **Now wait a second! Me found way to bring my Dinobots back to life! To bring all Autobots back to life!

**Kup: **What? Don't you trust our medical team to be able to do that?

**Grimlock: **Our medical team consists of Fixit and Hot Rod. Me not exactly filled with hope on that score.

**Kup: **Point taken. Still I'm afraid I'm going to have to – 

**Grimlock **(looking past Kup)**: **PRIME!

**Kup: **Oh please! Do you really think I'm that gullible?

**Grimlock: **Hmm. No, I…BY PRIMUS! LEXA DOIG!

**Kup: **WHERE?!

Kup turns around to where Grimlock was looking. Seeing no one there, he turns back and gets acquainted with Grimlock's fist. 

*****

Meanwhile…

Scorponok can be seen standing outside the Decepticons base in New Jersey as Mindwipe and Triggerhappy are flying away from him.

**Scorponok: **Come back here! Traitors! Deserters! Cowards! Italians!

**Mindwipe: **WHAT?!? How dare you!

**Triggerhappy: **Dude!Calm down, he's only trying to rile you!

**Scorponok **(as the two 'Cons fly away)**: **No, wait! Don't go! I'm so lonely…

Scorponok bows his head sadly as a tumbleweed drifts by.

**Mindwipe: **Can you believe him, Triggerhappy? First, he welcomes Starscream back into the Decepticons after he's tried to kill us all, then he loses him again, and then he spends the entire budget for April on Final Fantasy X action figures!

**Triggerhappy: **Well, I think we can forgive him for the last one.

**Mindwipe: **Pffft. You're just saying that cause he got you that Bahamut figure.

**Triggerhappy: **So? It's sooooooo KEWL!

**Starscream: **Hi guys!  

**Mindwipe: **Hi Screamer.

A second passes. Triggerhappy and Mindwipe do a double take towards Starscream.

**Triggerhappy/Mindwipe: **EEEEEEEEEEEK!

In a panic both Decepticons transform to robot mode and land in a painful heap. Starscream does likewise and lands gracefully.

**Starscream: **Smooth.

**Mindwipe: **Quiet you! Just as soon as my skeleton mends itself I'll get rid of you once and for all!

**Russian Voice: **Please, comrades. Let us not fight amongst ourselves.

**Triggerhappy: **What the…RAVAGE! (looks beyond the panther) AND SHOCKWAVE! (looks beyond the cyclops bot) AND RUNAMUCK AND RUNABOUT!

**Shockwave: **Are you quite finished?

**Triggerhappy: **Yup.

**Shockwave: **Splendid. Now…

**Mindwipe: **Wait a second! You were supposed to have died some 20 odd issues ago! How did you survive?

**Starscream: **I was wondering that myself.

**Runabout/Runamuck/Ravage: **Yeah, us too!

**Shockwave: **For the love of…fine! I'll tell you how I survived.

Flashback: Shockwave hurtling towards Earth in gun mode. He starts to go bright red as he re-enters the Earth's atmosphere. 

**Shockwave **(singing)**: **Feelin' hot, hot, hot…

**Runabout **(VO)**: **Oh, now that's just lame!

**Shockwave **(VO)**: **Quiet you! Anyway…

Eventually Shockwave ends up crashing in the North Pole. As he lies there steaming a tribe of killer penguins waddle up to him.

**Penguin 1: **QUACK QUACK QUACK!

(Translation: Let us skin him alive and eat him.)

**Penguin 2: **QUACK QUACKETY QUACK!

(Translation: No, first we must bring him back to our lair and boil him in energon. Then we shall skin him alive and serve him with a lovely mint sauce.)

**Shockwave: **I think I'm going to like hangin' with these penguins.

End flashback.

**Shockwave: **And I did!

Pan around the faces of the other Decepticons. They all look slightly worried. After a few seconds of silence Ravage speaks up.

**Ravage: **Well, since we are trading the stories involving the near death and so forth, I shall be pitching my story of heroic survival, for it is a tale both long and insanely macho!

**Mindwipe: **Let me guess. Skids threw you down a well, you somehow survived and ended up taking part in the Time Wars, an excellent UK only story that can't be fit into the American continuity no matter how hard you try.

Long silence.

**Ravage **(tearful)**: **Curse you, Comrade Mindwipe! Curse you and your comically fake Romanian accent!

Ravage curls up into a ball and starts to bawl his optics out.

**Starscream: **Moving swiftly along, you lot have been chosen by Shockwave and I for a specific purpose. You see…(dramatic close-up of Starscream)…we've declared war!

Thunder booms. Lightning flashes.

**Triggerhappy: **Whoa. How'd you do that?

**Starscream: **Do what?

**Triggerhappy: **You know, timing your answer so that the thunder and lightning makes your announcement incredibly dramatic.

**Starscream: **Oh, that? That happens every time anyone speaks in any sort of dramatic way.

**Mindwipe: **Really?

**Starscream: **Yeah. Check this out.

Starscream takes a deep breath as the camera zooms in.

**Starscream **(dramatically)**: **YOUR LIBRARY BOOKS ARE OVERDUE!

Thunder booms. Lightning flashes.

**Runabout **(fearful)**: **T-they are?!?

*****

Back on the Ark, where Prime is talking with Nightbeat and Waverider in Science Lab B-1…

**Waverider: **This is a mistake.

**Prime: **I disagree. Only be surrendering to the Decepticons can we hope to convince them to join us in our struggle against Unicron.

**Nightbeat: **We're not disagreeing with you. We're just saying that you shouldn't have offered Slapdash as a virgin sacrifice as an incentive to accept your surrender.

**Prime: **I've had just about enough of your negative comments! To the Ark with the pair of you, post-haste!

**Nightbeat: **But we're already on the Ark.

**Prime: **Good. Then stay there.

**Cloudburst **(over the coms)**: **Prime! Grimlock's stolen the Dinobots' bodies, hijacked a shuttle and escaped from the Ark!

**Prime: **What?!? When did this happen?

**Cloudburst:** Um…about six hours ago.

**Prime: **SIX HOURS AGO! Why the hell didn't you tell me about this before?

**Cloudburst: **I tried to but every time I used my communicator all I kept getting was a wet squidgy sound.

Cloudburst holds up his communicator for Prime to see.

**Prime: **That's a jam tart.   

**Cloudburst: **Is it? Wow, so that's what Backstreet meant when he said "Give me back my lunch you retarded son of Texan politician"…

**Prime **(switching off the coms)**: **Idiot. So now Grimlock's run off on me on the eve of our important peace mission. What else could go hideously, disastrously wrong?

Suddenly Nightbeat's dimensional probe returns, flying out of a trans-time dimensional portal and clonking Waverider on the head, knocking the Pretender out cold. This is followed a second later by Ratchet and Megatron, now fused into an unbelievably ugly creature with pupils in their eyes for some reason. Cut to Prime and Nightbeat staring agog before showing that they're staring at a website titled "Dead or Alive 3: The Hentai Page".

**Ratchet/Megatron: **SNARL! BLOOGH! GRRRR! WEEBLE WOBBLE!*

***Translation: **Er, hello? Horrifically fused Transformers standing not three feet away from you! Hello?…Insensitive bastards.

To be continued…

*****


	8. The Curse of the Two Headed Idiot

It's been a while, has it not? Apologies to everyone who's waited…how long has it been now? Well anyway, enjoy this new chapter of the strangely popular Megatron/Ratchet saga, and I'll see you soon for the final chapter!  

Chapter 8: The Curse of the Two-Headed Idiot

The Ark, where Waverider is still unconscious, Optimus Prime and Nightbeat are still ogling the Dead or Alive 3 Hentai Page and the Ratchet/Megatron creature is amusing itself by reading The Lord of the Rings. A persistent scratching sound can be heard. Presently the web page shuts down.

**Prime:** Ahhhh, now that was…(notices Ratchet and Megatron) gaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh…

**Nightbeat: **Prime? What is…(also sees Ratchet and Megatron) gaaaaaaaaaaahhhh…

**Waverider **(waking up)**: **Hunh? What's going…(same as the first two) gaaaaaaahhhhhh…

**Ratchet/Megatron **(waving their arms wildly)**: **AAAAARGH! WICKY WOCKY!

We now see Prime, Nightbeat and Waverider stare at the fused creature from a variety of angles, including slightly to the left, just outside the room, over Prime's shoulder and through an old carton of milk. Frustrated, the creature ripped a piece of metal from the wall and, with one quick downward stroke, brought it down on its head, separating the heads of Ratchet and Megatron. The scratching sound gets a bit louder.

**Ratchet/Megatron: **Ow…

**Prime: **Ratchet? Are you okay?

**Ratchet: **Me? Oh, I'm fine. Well, apart from the spark-destroying nightmare my life's become.

**Prime: **So, same as always then?

**Ratchet: **Pretty much.

SCRATCH SCRATCH SCRATCH.

**Megatron: **ENOUGH! Now, Optimus Prime, I…what the hell is that?

**Ratchet: **What's what?

SCRATCH SCRATCH SCRATCH.

**Megatron: **That loud scratching noise. I've been hearing it for the past 2 trillion years and I want to know what it is.

**Waverider: **2 trillion years? But you've only been gone a few months.

**Ratchet: **Time moves significantly quicker in unspace.

**Prime: **Oh? So how long were you both stuck in there?

**Megatron: **About…700 trillion years.

**Nightbeat: **700 trillion years?!

**Ratchet: **Eh, it wasn't so bad. The millennia pretty much flew by when I was singing the Dragon Half theme music.

At the mention of Dragon Half, Megatron's eye begins to twitch.

**Prime: **Japanese or English?

**Ratchet: **Both.

As Megatron's twitch grows more erratic, Kup enters the room.

**Kup: **Prime, you wanted to know when the baby potatoes were ready and…

From Kup's POV, we see the Ratchet side of the monster, with the Megatron side obscured by Prime.

**Kup: **Ratchet!

Kup immediately draws a pistol from subspace, looks at it, then put it back. He then brings out a HUGE chain gun and points it at Ratchet.

**Kup: **You bastard, you still owe me 6,000 shanix from our last poker game!

As Prime turns to face Kup, Megatron twists his head to look at his (Megatron's) back. To his shock, he sees that Ratchet's right arm is fused to the cylinder thingie on his back. Worse still, he sees that the source of the mysterious scratching is the hand of that arm sporadically scratching the area that's Megatron's booty.

**Prime: **What? Kup, don't! You…

**Megatron **(to Ratchet)**: **Hey! Stop scratching my ass!

Everyone immediately falls dead silent and looks at Megatron. After a few seconds of embarrassed silence, Ratchet turns to the reader.

**Ratchet: **Folks, you've just witnessed a new low in fanfic humor. Good for you!

**Kup: **Die!

Kup fires at Ratchet and Megatron. As the plasma rounds fly towards the fused beast, everything suddenly slows down as they bend backwards, their heads touching the floor as the bullets miss them completely. They snap upright as time resumes its normal flow.

**Ratchet: **Well, there's another beloved movie parodied to death…

**Megatron: **Ooh, sapristi gunshot wounds! Take this!

The creature charges toward Kup. Before the aged Autobot can get a shot off, they leap into the air and slam Kup in the face with a flying kick delivered using Megatron's foot.

**Kup: **AAAAGH!

**Megatron: **Accursed Autobot! How dare you strike me in the foot with the full force of your face!

**Ratchet: **Oh, for Primus' sake! Now he's referencing a fifty year old radio show? Who's going to get that one?

**Eccles: **Heloooooo.

**Ratchet: **Sigh.

*****

Meanwhile, on the medical planet Hydrus Four, Grimlock is traversing a swamp carrying the bodies of his Dinobot comrades. He hopes to use the planet's abundant supply of Nucleon to bring them and the legions of deactivated Autobots aboard the Ark back to life. However, he's run into a small problem…

**Grimlock: **Stupid guide! WAKE UP!

Grimlock bashes the deactivated mechanical guide on the head, to no effect. Just as he's about to get really physical, the screen on the guide's chest lights up, revealing a picture of a man.

**Grytpype-Thynne: **Greetings. I am Hercules Grytpype-Thynne.

**Grimlock: **What? Me thought that crossover was finished in the last paragraph.

**Grytpype-Thynne: **No such luck. We'll be lucky if the author doesn't keep it up until the end of the story.

**Grimlock: **Stupid author.

**Grytpype-Thynne: **Indeed. Now, I see you're having trouble with your guide.

**Grimlock: **I am. One minute he annoying me with his stupid Wheelie-esque ways, then he suddenly go dead.

**Grytpype-Thynne:** Yes, well that's because you have to insert a coin.

**Grimlock: **What?

A small slot opens up in the guide's shoulder. Grimlock stares at it in mute shock.

**Grimlock: **What the…are you saying stupid guide is coin-operated?

**Grytpype-Thynne: **Yes. Please deposit fifty thousand shanix.

**Grimlock: **Right, that's it. Stuff this slag, me fine my own way to Nucleon font.

**Grytpype-Thynne: **Suit yourself.

The guide's screen shuts off as Grimlock drags the sleigh carrying his Dinobot comrades toward what he believes to be the direction of the font.

**Grimlock: **Stupid goon. Not realize he's dealing with super-smart Marvel Grimlock, not super-stupid Cartoon Grimlock. Me find font easily!

A few seconds later…  

**Grimlock: **Me am so lost.

*****

Back on the Ark, in the engine room…

**Megatron: **Ah, if it isn't Optimus Prum…I mean Prime! Optimus Prime!

We see Prime facing off against Ratchet and Megatron. All around them, bits of smashed machinery lay around the room.

**Ratchet: **Prime? You're not going to kill me…are you?

**Prime: **I'm sorry, old friend, but I must, otherwise Kup will make good on his threat to overthrow me and rename himself Kuptimus Prime.

**Megatron: **So you dare to challenge us? Fool! Feel the awesome fury of my fusion…

Prime quickly and easily aims his pistol and fires, destroying Megs' cannon.

**Megatron: **…Right then! You leave me no other choice!

**Ratchet: **What're you…(realizes what Megs has planned) No, you fool!

Megatron and Ratchet transform, with difficulty, into a bizarre half-handgun, half-ambulance thingand lay immobile on the floor.

**Prime: **…

**Megatron: **…Well, that was a flop. Back to robot mode!

Megatron and Ratchet transform again, only to end up freezing up halfway, becoming a robot/handgun/ambulance creature. They manage to stay standing for a second before crashing to the floor again.

**Prime: **…

*****

A few minutes later…

We Prime, Siren and Getaway in the Medbay, with Megatron and Ratchet lying unconscious on an operating table and Fixit standing on a stool, staring at the mess on the table. After a while he looks up at Prime.

**Fixit: **What'd you to them?

**Prime: **For the last time, I didn't do anything! They did it to themselves.

At this point Kup enters the bay, wearing a royal purple cape and a crown on his head.

**Kup: **All hail Kuptimus Prime!

**Siren: **Sorry dude, but Prime beat the monster.

**Kup: **What? Prime, you actually did it?

**Prime: **Here's a hint!

And with that, Prime produces a laser rifle and vaporizes Kup. Silence.

**Fixit: **Right then! Anyway, you should know that I can't save Ratchet without also saving Megatron, due to some technical mumbo-jumbo. And even when they're separated physically, they will still share a bond mentally. In essence, they will always be one being.

**Getaway: **Sounds intriguing.

**Fixit: **I wouldn't worry about it, though. The whole thing will probably be forgotten about if there's ever another comic series following this one. Shall I proceed with the operation?

**Prime **(ignoring the looks he's receiving from Siren and Getaway)**: **Proceed.

Fade to black. A sudden, painful sounding rip is heard.

**Fixit: **Oops. I hope neither of them needed that.

To be continued…

  


End file.
